Trump’s Advocate: 5 reasons you should FIGHT Net Neutrality [SATIRE]

Chris Burns - Jul 14, 2017
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Trump’s Advocate: 5 reasons you should FIGHT Net Neutrality [SATIRE]

There’s a good number of reasons why a company should support Net Neutrality, and a couple why an individual like yourself should, too. Over the past several years, I’ve come to realize that the Internet is not an essential element in day-to-day life, and because of this, it should not be treated like the other basic utilities like electricity or water. Only those who have the most money should be able to afford the best brand webpages on the Internet – just like health care! ***

1. Internet Not Needed

Just like I don’t need a road to drive my car on, I don’t need the internet to communicate and do my job. I can do that all over the phone if I really want. I can also send letters to my friends and family. If I want to buy something, I can go to a Walmart.

2. Companies Should Control Internet

The fire department decides whose fires they want to put out, and the police department decides whose lives are worth defending! I see no good reason why Internet providers shouldn’t get the opportunity to decide which data they want to give the widest internet lane to. Especially if that data comes from companies that want to pay Internet providers – that’s how competition works!

3. Smaller Companies Should Try Harder!

Just like UHF TV stations and Public Access television, new web-based companies should be good at their job, make more money, and pay for wider lanes from Comcast. Like Cable TV, this Internet rightfully belongs to the biggest names in the business. Cable TV has lasted a long time now, and there’s nothing wrong with it! Cable TV innovates all the time and Cable TV is where all the best shows are.

4. I Don’t Like What I Don’t Understand

My nephew told me that there’s a way to go on the internet where nobody knows I’m looking at. Some sort of Onion-brand internet, underground LOR, BOR thing, I don’t know what it’s called. I don’t like the idea of that. If people don’t want anyone to know what they’re doing on the Internet, they’re probably doing something illegal.

I think the Internet should be made SAFE from lawbreakers, and I don’t understand why the whole thing isn’t protected by the police. Net Neutrality makes it OK for the underground internet to exist, and I’m not comfortable with that!

5. America is Great Again!

This is America, where we’re the land of the free and we don’t want any government regulations stopping our businesses from doing good business! That’s why I want Net Neutrality to go away! I trust companies to do what’s right, because how else would they become a big company if they didn’t do what’s best for the customer?

I want companies like Comcast to be able to give the fastest internet speeds to the brands I like best, and everything else can go slow, I don’t care! In America, I should be able to pay for only the channels on the Internet that I want, and I don’t care if anyone else wants to browse their onion webs to find drugs – they should be in jail!

*** DISCLAIMER: The article above should be viewed as satire. In reality, SlashGear supports Net Neutrality and encourages healthy debate on the issue.


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