The new iPad is perfect for this Darkest Timeline

Chris Burns - Mar 28, 2018, 2:35 pm CDT
1
The new iPad is perfect for this Darkest Timeline

This week Apple introduced a new iPad made of old parts, with a couple new features in tow. I believe this was the most ideal piece of hardware Apple could possibly have released in this darkest timeline. I’m speaking of course of the Community-solidified concept of the Darkest Timeline, the reality in which all of the most extremely unbelievable (if not most evil) thing have come to fruition. This is not the worst Apple could have done – it’s their best defense against disaster in these dark days through which we’re living.

The Darkest of Timelines

I’m only being half facetious when I suggest someone at Apple recognizes we’re in some sort of sci-fi situation in which multiple realities exist, and all the worst things are happening to us, all at once. In the Darkest Timeline we’re a part of now, Donald Trump is President of the United States. We live in a place where only the most extreme views are heard, and only the most outlandish ideas are open to discussion. Discussion in this timeline means Yelling.

Stay The Course

Lucky for Apple, brand trust seems to be largely grandfathered-in for tech companies at this moment in history. If we are indeed in the Darkest Timeline right now, I think we crossed over at some point in the year 2016. Since then, no major tech company’s gone out of business – we’ve only really seen some treading of water and some gasping for air.

It seems as though HTC’s been going out of business for the past two or three years, doesn’t it? Motorola’s now part of Lenovo, but it’s not as if they’ve gone away – they’ve still got phones at Verizon, anyway. The iPhone X was revealed in September of 2017, but even so radical a design change as that didn’t really change Apple’s standing in the wide world of smartphones.

Since then, there’ve been some copycats and the rare emergence of a new feature here or there. Nobody wants to ruffle any feathers, for fear that they’ll get pulled under a wave of bad publicity.

Don’t Get Swarmed

Amazon’s stock is plummeting this week after news leaked that Trump wanted to get after the company with regard to taxes. Even the possibility that this heartless monster might mention Amazon’s name again makes investors curb their enthusiasm for progress. If the bad publicity doesn’t get you, the lawsuits will – even very old lawsuits that’ve been dredged up again, just in time for darkness.

Facebook was the subject of one massive amount of ire at the hands of privacy groups this month, too. Once one major incident occurred, several groups began to pile on. Facebook is now embroiled in a federal investigation regarding private info leaks and the 2016 Presidential Election. At this point it looks like Facebook’s facing a drainage problem – nobody wants to work with a company that might be trouble with the United States government right this minute.

Watch The Throne

Apple knows all of this, and Apple is wise. Apple can see that the best way to remain on top, right now, is to weather the storm. Apple has the trust of the Apple user, and the Apple user currently has no major reason to be mad at Apple.

Apple revealed an iPad that seems to be new, but is made of parts that’ve been in a couple other devices before. This is a new product made with old hardware. It’s exciting at the same time as it is boring. The new iPad is exactly what Apple needs right now. The new iPad represents a true sense of safety in an amalgamation of elements that just work.


Must Read Bits & Bytes