Zombie Attack Is Semi-Serious Topic For Canadian Researchers

Researchers in Canada have concluded that the only intervention likely to be successful in the case of a zombie attack is to "hit them hard and hit them often", after deeming that strategies of capturing or attempting to cure them would only result in a delayed takeover.  The study was led by Professor Robert Smith? (yes, the question mark is part of his name) and teams from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University, who draw parallels between their zombie infection modeling and more traditional infectious diseases.

In fact, according to Smith? the only real difference between existing infectious diseases and zombies is that the latter "can come back to life".  Because of that he concludes "it's imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else... we are all in a great deal of trouble."

The teams decided to deal solely with the slow-moving zombies popularized in early films of the genre, rather than the faster examples seen more recently.  "While we are trying to be as broad as possible in modelling zombies – especially as there are many variables" the paper explains, "we have decided not to consider these [faster] individuals."

While the research has serious applications, it's given staid, sensible scientists the opportunity to talk about zombie hoards and for that it must be praised.  Perhaps best of all is the response of Professor Neil Ferguson, a chief swine flu adviser to the UK government, who voices his naive hopes that humanity may hold off the undead and still triumph: "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever. So perhaps they are being a little over-pessimistic when they conclude that zombies might take over a city in three or four days."