Adults Are Afraid Of These New Emojis

"I sense this is bad," said Tucker Carlson, "I can't articulate why." Carlson and Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs fame discussed the release of a new batch of emojis set to release soon. The devastating effect of new pictures-as-text seemed to call forth some base emotion in Rowe, something he said he couldn't quite summon a lot of "righteous indignation" over, but that he found entirely troubling nonetheless. "There are hundreds of these things."

In a display of reaching for a news story unmatched in modernity, Fox News made the case that the next batch of emoji releases will be a nightmare. "They've seemed to assume every possible expression," said Rowe, "every nuance of feeling seems to now be accessible in this endless pile of emojis. I didn't know, A, that there was that many emotions in the human condition, but now we have to choose which ones to use, to whom, and when, so I'm not sure we've simplified things at all!"

The horror of it all. Can you imagine what sort of world we'd live in if emojis were allowed to continue to be used? The segment continued, enacting fear and uncertainty in the face of what'd otherwise be a complete non-story.

"It does seem like they're bypassing language," said Carlson. "We have the biggest language in the history of language, English, more words than any other language has ever had – why are people choosing not to use it?" [NOTE: This isn't technically true, as The Economist explains briefly.]

"This general assault on conventional norms of work, which we've talked about ad-nauseum before, has kind of bled over into a kind of assault on the lexicon," said Rowe. "You have to ask regarding emojis, what's next? I mean, just grunts? Interpretive dance?"

We have to ask – are these talking heads right? Could it be that the end of days for the English language (and no other language, for some reason), and the beginning of the age of cave paintings once again? The implications are staggering.