It's easy to forget sometimes that behind every door, under every bed and inside every small rucksack there's a virus-writing, malware-scripting paedophile waiting not only to vigorously molest your children but empty your bank-account in the process. Thankfully companies like Global Security One are here not only to stoke the flames of pants-wetting fear but also offer up our salvation. No longer do you need to hover like a watchful hawk over the shoulder of your twelve-year-old as they navigate the predator-filled avenues of unmonitored chatrooms; now you can rely on a swish XGate router to do it for you.
XGate takes business hardware - remote access, hardware virus and spam filtering - and adds a paranoid parent twist. Should a conversation any of your loved ones be having contain certain words flagged up on the watchlist "equipped with proprietary algorithms and databases enabling it to monitor paedophile grooming languages", you'll get an email or SMS text message giving you the option to secretly "listen in" on the chat, block that person from using the chatroom itself, or even shut down the computer.
A built-in ADSL modem and four-port ethernet hub makes setup easy, and the company is keen to stress that you'll never be asked "technical questions" when trying to open ports up for internet banking or office VPN and the like. Virus databases are updated every 24hrs, and a year's upgrades are included in the £99.95 ($196) asking price.