Philip Berne

Author Archive for Philip Berne

Columns

Being a Better Tweeter

Philip Berne, May 26th 2013 Discuss [3]

I have been using Twitter continually for about three years now. I’m not sure of the exact date, or my first tweet, because Twitter still hasn’t given me the option to download my entire archive yet, though every time I check, the “Deactivate my account” option stares back at me from the bottom of the Settings page, where the archive option is supposed to appear someday. It taunts me, that deactivation option, because like all good things, Twitter occasionally makes me sick. There are days when I love it, and days when I can’t stand it. There are days when I can’t stand myself as a tweeter. To paraphrase a misogynist saying, show me a beautiful social network and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of checking his @replies.

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Columns

The Gadget Inside Me

Philip Berne, May 12th 2013 Discuss [3]

I am not entirely human. All of the parts of a human being are inside me, but I have a few extra bits as well, not so much floating around as firmly secured in place. In some spots, these nonhuman bits hold me together. In other spots… well, that’s a different story.

I have a couple gadgets inside of me. One was forced on me; the other I chose. I made the choice in much the same way you’d choose a computer. I tried to future-proof myself. I chose an option that I could upgrade later. In the end, I made a decision that was not entirely rational, but rather based on passion and branding and aesthetics over performance. Like I said, just like a computer.

star_wars_lukes_hand

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Columns

What Should I Stick In My Finger?

Philip Berne, May 5th 2013 Discuss [13]

It’s probably too late now, but for the last week there may have been an unusual window of opportunity in which I could have embedded something cool into the tip of my finger. I lost it recently. The tip, that is. Of my finger. It happened in a freak office chair incident at a posh hotel in New York City. That’s pretty much all you need to know, except that I lost about a centimeter of finger. I mean, I found it. The fingertip, that is; but it could not be reattached. It was not stitched. It was left agape and healing of its own devices. If I’m going to stick something in there to extend the capabilities of my digit in perpetuity, now is the time. Rarely is one greeted with such an open opportunity, literally, so of course I wonder what sort of technical marvel I could implant.

et_glowing_finger

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Columns

I Bought A Purse

Philip Berne, Mar 3rd 2013 Discuss [32]

I bought a bag. It looks like a purse. It’s my fault. I knew this was a distinct possibility, but I went ahead and ordered it anyway. I skipped a few bags trying to play themselves of as satchels. Even the one branded “Indy,” in honor of Indiana Jones wasn’t fooling anyone. I’ve played the satchel game before and ended up wearing a purse. This time I thought I would go for a carrying case instead. A carrying case I bought, and a carrying case arrived. Unfortunately, my carrying case looks like a purse.

indiana_jones_manpurse

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Columns

Why you’re wrong about the PS4 launch

Philip Berne, Feb 23rd 2013 Discuss [35]

The PS4 launch was a huge success. Forget what you’ve heard. You’ve probably read on tech blogs that it was too long. They showed too many demos. Worst of all, they never showed the actual PlayStation hardware. How could they have a PlayStation launch without showing the hardware? If a PlayStation launches in the woods and there is no hardware, does anyone hear it?

playstation4-wireless-controller-3-580x3481

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Columns

Amid Instagram Madness, What Terms of Use Should Take for Granted

Philip Berne, Dec 19th 2012 Discuss [5]

In all the hubbub around the new Instagram Terms of Service, there is one refrain that keeps repeating. It’s one I’ve heard plenty of times before, and it’s the reason I was hesitant to even tackle this issue. I see plenty of pundits saying that I must be an idiot if I did not read the original Terms of Use. I should always read the Terms of Use. What was I expecting? These policies have always already been spelled out in the Terms of Use.

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Columns

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Google

Philip Berne, Dec 16th 2012 Discuss [24]

It’s a strange time of year to be of my ilk in America. The houses are mostly decked with lights, although I live in that rare North Texas neighborhood of refreshing ethnic diversity where the smells of wonderful cooking waft through the air to mark myriad holidays that our Christian brethren don’t celebrate. The trees appear covered in tinsel and ornaments in the shopping malls, the school classrooms, and the corporate lobbies. The music is relentless and oppressive. Opposing signs admonish me to not forget the religious aspects of the season, while a large man who curates a white beard year round charges $20 for a picture of small children sitting on his groin. It is Christmas, the time of year when many of you celebrate, while the rest of us decide to what extent we are going to lie to our children.

google_santa

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Columns

Fixing the Deadliest Gadget

Philip Berne, Aug 26th 2012 Discuss [111]

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. I’m going to defend the right to own guns. You see, I’m a liberal. I’m more liberal than you are. I don’t care how liberal you think you are, I’m more liberal than you. But I also pride myself on my ability to change my mind with a reasonable argument, so there are a few positions on which I agree with conservatives. Teacher’s unions, for one thing, are pure evil. I know that from my experience working in public schools, where my job was made much harder by teachers who were resting on union protections and doing a horrible job. On gun ownership, as well, I’m confounded to say that I tend to agree more with the right-wing than the left.

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Columns

Stop Whining and Subscribe to HBO

Philip Berne, Aug 4th 2012 Discuss [74]

I love the show Game of Thrones on HBO. The show is fantastic. It’s one of the best shows to come along in a while. It’s exciting, sexy, complicated, and it has just a touch of fantasy thrown in, mainly to keep you guessing about the possibilities of what’s to come. In the first episodes of the first season, did you really expect to see dragons? But then that platinum blond Khaleesi woman steps out of the fire completely naked with a dragon on her shoulder and it was the probably the coolest thing I have ever seen on television. Wait, have you seen Game of Thrones? If you haven’t, you should subscribe to HBO right now so you can start watching.

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Columns

Grammar Police, Arrest This Man

Philip Berne, Jul 30th 2012 Discuss [27]

There is an alternate universe somewhere in which I am a lexicographer. I write dictionaries for a living. This is not the pipe dream of a grammar-obsessed former English teacher. Right out of grad school (Master’s in English), I turned down an opportunity to work for the Oxford English Dictionary. The job was for a specialist in Caribbean dialects of English. It sounded fantastic. The OED recruiters made clear this was not a stepping stone job for editors and writers. Being a lexicographer leads only to being a better, more experienced lexicographer. Instead, I took a job that involved writing and technology and pop culture, and my life was set on its course. But in an alternate world, I made a different choice and took the dictionary job, and now I sit in a dark apartment in Manhattan mumbling to myself about the horror of language on the Internet.